Breastfeeding Aversion, or 'Wanting to Scream, Run and Break Things'

I thought  breastfeeding aversion, or nursing aversion and agitation, was something that only inflicted pregnant mothers. And I'm not pregnant, so why have I had so many moments of hating breastfeeding lately?


My little boy is over two years old now. Considering I was unsure I'd be able to breastfeed him even once, this blows my mind. Two years kind of slipped by unassumingly, actually. I no longer felt that breastfeeding was an active choice I was making, but had simply become a very personal part of my mothering. He stopped breastfeeding in the day at around 18 months, and always adamantly declared 'Nei!' when I offered. Nights, though, have always been a different story. The various pros and cons are changing, and my own breastfeeding experience is continuing to challenge and educate me... and nursing aversion is a big part of that.

For the past 9-ish months, there is usually two evenings every month where I put my toddler to bed in our usual manner -- singing the Long Time Sun Song, lying down together in his big double bed, turning on his sleepy music (Bon Iver -- he has good taste) and breastfeeding him either to sleep or to almost sleep. Nothing is different to the norm, and yet these two or sometimes three evenings a month, I emerge in tears, seething with such intense rage, wanting to scream and throw something that will break into a hundred pieces, after trying so hard not to hurt my little boy for the time that he was nursing, and wishing I could just run out the door and just keep run run running to a dark cave where nobody will touch me for the next year.

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